I suck at the Loop anymore. I only find myself coming here when I need something and I feel guilty about that. Used to be a time where I felt like I gave as much as I took. There also used to be a time where I read damn near every blog on there and now I just feel distant. It’s not just the loop though…..I feel distant from everything.
It’s crazy. I mean I know I have a trail marathon coming up in 18 days and yet I cannot bring myself to lace up my shoes and get out there. I have absolutely no desire to run.
Zip. Zero. None.
Last time I put in any miles was April 28th. I ran a 5K with my son and a few co-workers. My son ran an incredible 19:16 at the age of 14 for 20th place while I could barely muster a 27 something. Granted I was 7 weeks pregnant at the time but still, I’ve never been that slow. I didn’t run the week following that. I can’t remember why because too much has happened since then, but I didn’t run. The miscarriage happened the following weekend. It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since and while a good week of recovery was necessary, there is absolutely no reason why I haven’t been able to get out there other since then except for my own lame excuses. To summarize, we can blame it on Miller, Merlot and laziness.
You know it’s hard to get by when your husband has been out of the country for 10 months. Sure, you can put on a good happy face most of the time but when you’re constantly looking for the silver lining, it wears on you. While I walk around with a slightly broken heart shadowed by a cloud of lonely, everyone else seems to take the world for granted. If you have the people you love the most right next to you every day then what the heck do you have to complain about?
I suppose I have a sort of woe is me kind of attitude….and that is definitely part of the problem. I know so many others out there have it so much worse but that doesn’t really make my stuff feel any better. I just need to suck it up and go run no matter how far or how fast and God willing, things will fall back into place. In the meantime I hope I hear back from the race director for the June 9th trail marathon saying something to the effect of “Yes! Yes you can downgrade from the full to the half!”
Alarm is set for tomorrow morning 6 AM. We’ll see how far I get.